Sharing my Daddy with my girls...

My girls have unfortunately known that death is a part of life from their earliest beginnings.  My father passed away when I was twelve years old, and my girls have grown up hearing me talk about him.  Even though it was a long time ago, Bob Evans remains very alive in my thoughts and in my memory.  I have always spoken of him to Julia and Jenna and shown them pictures of our family, but they have been too young to do much more than that.  I decided that this summer was the right time to take them out to his grave and to open their minds to who he was a little more than just stories or those times of the year when I am sad and my husband whispers to them, "Mommy misses her Daddy."  I decided to make it a craft experience and devote a whole day to his memory.  I told the girls this morning that we were going to go to the craft store and buy all the things we needed to make a flower arrangement for their grandfather.  They both agreed that blue was a good color.  I picked out the hydrangeas, Julia picked the tall flowers, and Jenna picked out the filler flowers around the bottom.  We came home and made the flower arrangement and I talked to them about why he was so special to me.  Both girls were quiet and respectful as I spoke of how much their grandfather would have loved them.  They asked questions that I think they have been wanting to ask me for a long time.  In their minds were deep fears that they could possibly lose their own father as I had lost mine.  I took this opportunity to reassure them that their Daddy was very healthy and let's face it..."too stubborn" to die.  They laughed about that and then walked the flowers out to Daddy's grave with me.  Jenna was very quiet and reflective.  She looked at the grave for a long time and didn't really say anything.  Julia felt compelled to say a few words to her grandfather and she asked me if it was silly to talk to him.  We placed the flowers and spoke our few words to him.  We lingered there for a little while until it felt right to leave.  It wasn't a big emotional scene or anything, but I really think that their grandfather is less of a mystery to them now.  This experience gave them the opportunity to truly contemplate who he was and why their mother "misses her Daddy" sometimes.  It is not a daily pain anymore, but it is always there in the recesses.  I wish Daddy could have known my girls.  He would have adored Julia's gentle, sweet nature and he would have been completely fascinated with the little firecracker that is my Jenna.  My two girls seemed to instinctively know that there was something sacred about this experience.  Julia demonstrated a very clear understanding that her grandfather was in heaven and that she would meet him someday.  As we walked away from his grave and went back to the car, Julia said "goodbye grandfather."  I whispered, "I love you Daddy," and walked away with a smile.  If he could look down on us, he most certainly was grinning.  I drove away from the cemetery with an extreme sense of peace that I had done something very right as a mother by sharing my Daddy with my girls.

When you are a perfect parent to 10 or more children you can speak, but UNTIL THEN SHUT UP!

I know that my thoughts won't set this situation straight, but I had to put it out there.

I have been so blown away over the past two weeks as I have listened to the constant discussion about the Duggar family.  The judgment that has been spewed by every talk show host, news correspondent and by the public in general has been horrific.  I keep asking myself why everyone is so intent on making this so much more dramatic than the facts allow.  YES, sexual abuse of any kind is a serious thing and it should be taken seriously.  I am a survivor of molestation so I know exactly what it can do to your self-esteem and the long reaching impact can be difficult.  I support the Joyful Heart Foundation and I share my story whenever I feel like it might help someone else, but I do not now nor did I ever feel that the teenage boy who molested me should be put in jail.  When it came out, my parents were devastated and even through my six year old eyes I remember the struggle that was on them to figure out what to do.  Like the Duggars, they did not see the point in ruining the future of a young man by making it a criminal situation for the young man to overcome.  The parents of the young man were informed and it was agreed that they would take the proper steps in making sure that he got the help he needed.  He is a happily married man and a productive member of society and when I reflect back on it, I truly believe it was a boy in midst of puberty who was extremely curious about the opposite sex.  I do not think that he truly set out to hurt me, but was caught up in self-gratification and exploration. 

From reading the information available and listening to all the coverage on the Duggar situation, it seems to me that it was a very similar circumstance.  Josh was curious about the opposite sex and he allowed his curiosity and self-gratification to go too far.  He recognized it was wrong and confessed his actions to his parents who were stunned and were not sure what to do.  They could have easily handled it all in house as it mostly involved their family and then no one would know anything had happened.  Do you really think as a parent you could destroy the life of one of your children over some inappropriate touching?  All of those that are so hot and heavy to criticize are saying that they know exactly how to handle this situation if it occurred in their own home?  You would turn in your 14 year old son to the police and allow him to go through the process without one moment of doubt or concern for the impact it would have on your family?  Josh didn’t have a juvenile record of other explicit or bad behavior.  He was not known for causing problems in their home or in the circles they interacted in.  This isn’t the case of a chronic screw up kid who was indulged and allowed to get away with stuff.  Instead of hastily doing something that might ruin Josh’s life, they pressed pause and tried to handle it in house.  This incident happened before they were protecting a television image so all the accusations that they covered it up for television are ludicrous.  All of the critics that are saying you would have handled it “the right way” have no idea what you would do if faced with the same situation.  You can’t know what you would do until you experience it and the specific set of circumstances that go with your story.

Throwing around the term pedophile and rapist in reference to Josh is slander and should be treated as such. If the Duggars had hidden something that turned out to be an ongoing problem, then that would even be different.  The fact is that Josh has worked very hard owning his own business.  He is married and has children of his own and by all accounts is a good father.  I don’t know anyone who is in their 30’s that would stand up and say they are alright to be judged on every incident of their past through their teenage years.  I have things that I certainly would not want revisited in public.  The image that the Duggars portray on television is the very reason that people are coming out of the wood work to join this witch hunt. Because they have portrayed themselves as God fearing people who try to live a life guided by their Christian principles does not in any way say that they are perfect.  In fact, the whole belief of Christianity is based on the fact that we are all just “sinners saved by grace.”  The Duggars have stated on multiple occasions that they are not perfect.  They are just a family that is unique due to its size and they have allowed their lives to play out on television.  Have they made all the right decisions...of course not.  Could this situation have been handled differently or better…maybe so, but what is the purpose behind all of this media frenzy?  All of it has served no purpose but to victimize the victims all over again and to take down a man who had moved passed this situation and had gone on to have a good life for himself and his family.  The ONLY reason that this family is being targeted is because they have not been willing to bend on the Biblical principles they live by.  That has infuriated certain liberal communities who are relishing in the perceived demise of this family.  If you go back through the Duggar television series and their books, they state MANY times that they are not perfect.  They describe faults and frailties and acknowledge that they have them all, but also state the set of standards that they believe is right for their lives. They work hard towards living up to those standards, but NO ONE is perfect.  Everyone has made mistakes and no one is immune to things that they regret and/or wish they could change. The blatant cruelty and malice of those leading the charge against the Duggar family in the interest of standing up for the victims is hard to fathom.  If this was a Kardashian family scenario, no one would even care.  The only reason anyone cares about this is because of the perceived gouge in the family’s armor.  It goes back to John 15:20, “If they persecuted Me, they will persecute you also.  If they kept My word, they will keep yours also.”

So in conclusion I say again…when you are the parent of 10 or more children and you have done it all perfectly…then you can speak, but UNTIL then….SHUT UP!