Sharing my Daddy with my girls...

My girls have unfortunately known that death is a part of life from their earliest beginnings.  My father passed away when I was twelve years old, and my girls have grown up hearing me talk about him.  Even though it was a long time ago, Bob Evans remains very alive in my thoughts and in my memory.  I have always spoken of him to Julia and Jenna and shown them pictures of our family, but they have been too young to do much more than that.  I decided that this summer was the right time to take them out to his grave and to open their minds to who he was a little more than just stories or those times of the year when I am sad and my husband whispers to them, "Mommy misses her Daddy."  I decided to make it a craft experience and devote a whole day to his memory.  I told the girls this morning that we were going to go to the craft store and buy all the things we needed to make a flower arrangement for their grandfather.  They both agreed that blue was a good color.  I picked out the hydrangeas, Julia picked the tall flowers, and Jenna picked out the filler flowers around the bottom.  We came home and made the flower arrangement and I talked to them about why he was so special to me.  Both girls were quiet and respectful as I spoke of how much their grandfather would have loved them.  They asked questions that I think they have been wanting to ask me for a long time.  In their minds were deep fears that they could possibly lose their own father as I had lost mine.  I took this opportunity to reassure them that their Daddy was very healthy and let's face it..."too stubborn" to die.  They laughed about that and then walked the flowers out to Daddy's grave with me.  Jenna was very quiet and reflective.  She looked at the grave for a long time and didn't really say anything.  Julia felt compelled to say a few words to her grandfather and she asked me if it was silly to talk to him.  We placed the flowers and spoke our few words to him.  We lingered there for a little while until it felt right to leave.  It wasn't a big emotional scene or anything, but I really think that their grandfather is less of a mystery to them now.  This experience gave them the opportunity to truly contemplate who he was and why their mother "misses her Daddy" sometimes.  It is not a daily pain anymore, but it is always there in the recesses.  I wish Daddy could have known my girls.  He would have adored Julia's gentle, sweet nature and he would have been completely fascinated with the little firecracker that is my Jenna.  My two girls seemed to instinctively know that there was something sacred about this experience.  Julia demonstrated a very clear understanding that her grandfather was in heaven and that she would meet him someday.  As we walked away from his grave and went back to the car, Julia said "goodbye grandfather."  I whispered, "I love you Daddy," and walked away with a smile.  If he could look down on us, he most certainly was grinning.  I drove away from the cemetery with an extreme sense of peace that I had done something very right as a mother by sharing my Daddy with my girls.

When you are a perfect parent to 10 or more children you can speak, but UNTIL THEN SHUT UP!

I know that my thoughts won't set this situation straight, but I had to put it out there.

I have been so blown away over the past two weeks as I have listened to the constant discussion about the Duggar family.  The judgment that has been spewed by every talk show host, news correspondent and by the public in general has been horrific.  I keep asking myself why everyone is so intent on making this so much more dramatic than the facts allow.  YES, sexual abuse of any kind is a serious thing and it should be taken seriously.  I am a survivor of molestation so I know exactly what it can do to your self-esteem and the long reaching impact can be difficult.  I support the Joyful Heart Foundation and I share my story whenever I feel like it might help someone else, but I do not now nor did I ever feel that the teenage boy who molested me should be put in jail.  When it came out, my parents were devastated and even through my six year old eyes I remember the struggle that was on them to figure out what to do.  Like the Duggars, they did not see the point in ruining the future of a young man by making it a criminal situation for the young man to overcome.  The parents of the young man were informed and it was agreed that they would take the proper steps in making sure that he got the help he needed.  He is a happily married man and a productive member of society and when I reflect back on it, I truly believe it was a boy in midst of puberty who was extremely curious about the opposite sex.  I do not think that he truly set out to hurt me, but was caught up in self-gratification and exploration. 

From reading the information available and listening to all the coverage on the Duggar situation, it seems to me that it was a very similar circumstance.  Josh was curious about the opposite sex and he allowed his curiosity and self-gratification to go too far.  He recognized it was wrong and confessed his actions to his parents who were stunned and were not sure what to do.  They could have easily handled it all in house as it mostly involved their family and then no one would know anything had happened.  Do you really think as a parent you could destroy the life of one of your children over some inappropriate touching?  All of those that are so hot and heavy to criticize are saying that they know exactly how to handle this situation if it occurred in their own home?  You would turn in your 14 year old son to the police and allow him to go through the process without one moment of doubt or concern for the impact it would have on your family?  Josh didn’t have a juvenile record of other explicit or bad behavior.  He was not known for causing problems in their home or in the circles they interacted in.  This isn’t the case of a chronic screw up kid who was indulged and allowed to get away with stuff.  Instead of hastily doing something that might ruin Josh’s life, they pressed pause and tried to handle it in house.  This incident happened before they were protecting a television image so all the accusations that they covered it up for television are ludicrous.  All of the critics that are saying you would have handled it “the right way” have no idea what you would do if faced with the same situation.  You can’t know what you would do until you experience it and the specific set of circumstances that go with your story.

Throwing around the term pedophile and rapist in reference to Josh is slander and should be treated as such. If the Duggars had hidden something that turned out to be an ongoing problem, then that would even be different.  The fact is that Josh has worked very hard owning his own business.  He is married and has children of his own and by all accounts is a good father.  I don’t know anyone who is in their 30’s that would stand up and say they are alright to be judged on every incident of their past through their teenage years.  I have things that I certainly would not want revisited in public.  The image that the Duggars portray on television is the very reason that people are coming out of the wood work to join this witch hunt. Because they have portrayed themselves as God fearing people who try to live a life guided by their Christian principles does not in any way say that they are perfect.  In fact, the whole belief of Christianity is based on the fact that we are all just “sinners saved by grace.”  The Duggars have stated on multiple occasions that they are not perfect.  They are just a family that is unique due to its size and they have allowed their lives to play out on television.  Have they made all the right decisions...of course not.  Could this situation have been handled differently or better…maybe so, but what is the purpose behind all of this media frenzy?  All of it has served no purpose but to victimize the victims all over again and to take down a man who had moved passed this situation and had gone on to have a good life for himself and his family.  The ONLY reason that this family is being targeted is because they have not been willing to bend on the Biblical principles they live by.  That has infuriated certain liberal communities who are relishing in the perceived demise of this family.  If you go back through the Duggar television series and their books, they state MANY times that they are not perfect.  They describe faults and frailties and acknowledge that they have them all, but also state the set of standards that they believe is right for their lives. They work hard towards living up to those standards, but NO ONE is perfect.  Everyone has made mistakes and no one is immune to things that they regret and/or wish they could change. The blatant cruelty and malice of those leading the charge against the Duggar family in the interest of standing up for the victims is hard to fathom.  If this was a Kardashian family scenario, no one would even care.  The only reason anyone cares about this is because of the perceived gouge in the family’s armor.  It goes back to John 15:20, “If they persecuted Me, they will persecute you also.  If they kept My word, they will keep yours also.”

So in conclusion I say again…when you are the parent of 10 or more children and you have done it all perfectly…then you can speak, but UNTIL then….SHUT UP!  

The blessings of marriage in the right order!

There are few experiences in life that are special enough to leave a lasting impression, but a few weeks ago, I went to one of the sweetest weddings I have ever attended.  There were many reasons that it was so special and so memorable, but the most important difference in this wedding and other weddings was the acknowledged presence of Jesus in every part of the wedding festivities.  The whole weekend, friends that spoke on behalf of this couple, repeated the same things over and over.  Katie and Austin love Jesus and they live it every day.  Katie’s brother in law expressed his tremendous concern about Katie ever dating anyone because she lived her life to such a standard and was so good.  He wondered if anyone would ever be good enough for Katie and he meant that in the most sincere and respectful way.  I was moved to know that everyone who knew Katie thought that she was one of the closest outward expressions of Jesus that we ever see here on earth.  The groom was no less impressive.  He was also commended on his drive and tenacity to spread the word and help others live a more fulfilled Christian life.  Every person that spoke of Austin mentioned his complete desire to know Jesus and make him known.  One of Austin’s friends actually talked about playing video games with him while listening to Austin’s favorite sermons played aloud.  I kept feeling inspired and challenged by what a powerful ministry team these two will be as husband and wife.

It wasn’t actually said out loud, but we all knew that this couple had waited to do everything in the right order.  They had waited for marriage as the Bible instructs us to do.  They had prayed their way through their dating relationship and Austin had even given Katie a Bible with her married name on it as he proposed to her before leading her in prayer.  It was evident to everyone that the ties that bind them, even on their first day as one, are so incredibly strong because the ties are rooted in Jesus.  The consistency of their story inspired me.  I contemplated the unique blessings that must be on a marriage where everything is done in the right order.  I dreamed of my girls, who are growing up in this broken society, and prayed that they would both wait on God for their mate and then do everything in the right order.  I worry about our young people growing up in a society that has so warped the covenant of marriage and exploited the gifts God has given to us in marriage.  Katie and Austin reassure us that God’s entire perfect plan is still attainable for those who will wait upon Him.  What an incredible example!

I am sure that Austin and Katie will face struggles in their marriage.  There will be rough times and sad times, and disconnected times, but I wonder…maybe the blessing of doing it God’s way is truly the tie that binds forever.  In our fast food society where divorce is as acceptable as going through a drive through window for a meal, maybe the blessing that was so evident in watching Austin and Katie create their covenant with God is the absence of baggage in their relationship.  There is nothing to question or to wonder or to worry about.  It was right, it was real, and it was truly an opportunity to see into God’s very best expectations for us when we do it His way.  I am writing this blog entry because I want Austin and Katie to know that their example was a blessing, even to the old married folks in the crowd.  It is a pleasure to look towards the future for Austin and Katie.  I cannot wait to watch the blessings continue to unfold.  Thank you for letting us be part of your special day! 

Jennifer's Spin: Turning 40 and the lesson of the blackberry

Jennifer's Spin: Turning 40 and the lesson of the blackberry: So I haven't posted anything in awhile and since it is the week of me turning 40 and becoming so much "wiser" and all...I thou...

Turning 40 and the lesson of the blackberry

So I haven't posted anything in awhile and since it is the week of me turning 40 and becoming so much "wiser" and all...I thought I should certainly post something meaningful.  As usual my life ebbs and flows in and out of chaos as I am struggling hard to figure out what God's plan for my life is at this time.  Birthdays have never bothered me because I have always believed that age was mental, however; I remember when my mother turned 40 and it was the first time that I was ever really aware of her age.  I thought 40 was old then and it is hard to reconcile that past thought with today's reality...which is the fact that 40 is 6 days away. Our society teaches us to measure our lives out in successes and failures and there is this imaginary scoreboard of wins and losses.  I am not where I thought I would be at 40.  I am still battling a weight issue and right now the weight is winning.  I have been somewhat stagnant in my career as I have been trying to discern what the next steps are for me.  I never feel that I am successful as a wife and mother.  I am always wishing that I could be more to my children and that I could give more of myself to my husband.  I have had all these thoughts really rolling around in my head because of the whole 40 thing and the strangest thing taught me the lesson I needed for this point and time and that lesson came from blackberries.

Consider the growth cycle of wild blackberries.  They start off as little flowers and then grow into little berry buds.  The weather has to get good and hot for them to start growing and turning their rich, dark color.  They actually thrive in humidity and heat.  The berries grow on a vine that wraps itself around thorns and thistle like weeds.  Their most brilliant time is in the most uncomfortable heat of the year and they must live among thorns, bees, birds and snakes.  It is really hard to kill off blackberries and the more you pick the year previous, the more you will have the next season.

We are like the blackberries.  We start off as little flowers and then we become buds that grow up among the thistles and thorns of this world.  Our best season is when the heat is on and while everything seems to be against our survival, we thrive!  Very little will take us out because God has made us so hardy and provides us strength to face all the difficulties along the way.  Each season that we grow, we become more, we become better.  While you cannot know for certain where you are in the cycle of your life, take it as a season.  Live well, love well, and focus on something other than the heat and the thorns.  Survival from season to season is a win...no matter what someone else's scoreboard says!

What about the times when we just DON'T want to?

What about the times I really don't want to...

So we are to praise God in all things, the good and bad. We are to have faith in the bigger plan that we cannot see most of the time.  We are to surrender our triumphs and our sufferings and allow God to work through us.  What about the times when we really don't want to praise him?  What about times where our lack of understanding in the bigger plan makes us uncertain and angry?  What do we do when we feel like the situation is too painful to surrender?

These questions have been heavy on my mind this past week.  It is incredibly hard to find God's touch when our circumstances are painful.  Friday a week ago, my Uncle David went to be with the Lord. I watched as my sweet grandmother buried another son and it felt so unfair.  I watched as my cousin faced the loss of a father she adored. I watched as my Aunt tried to come to terms with a new reality without her beloved.  It was intense and incredibly painful.  It is a pain I am more familiar with than I want to be because this particular loss took me right back to 12 years old when I lost my Dad.  It wasn't any easier this time around.

Sunday morning I woke up to learn that sweet Sara had lost her battle with cancer. This amazing woman sacrificed for everyone around her.  Both of her parents lived into their 90's due to her tender care so it is no embellishment to say that Sara was robbed of about 30 years.  I watched a devoted husband of 45 years face his first days without his sweet wife.  I watched three siblings grieve as the heart light of their home was extinguished.  I felt my own sadness at the loss of this wonderful woman. I felt anger at the goodbye that none of us wanted to say.

I tried to reason out why two loved ones would go in less than 48 hours of each other.  I questioned the timing and felt frustrated by all of it. I allowed my mind to hang out in that place for several days.  Now...I choose to praise God anyway. I choose to have faith in God's plan anyway.  I choose to surrender my hurt to Him yet again.  I really don't want to begin living again...but the one thing we all must cling to in times like these is the fact that God is in control!  Acknowledge Him.  Praise Him.  Surrender to Him. Do it even when you don't want to and He will be faithful.  I am claiming His promises today for myself and many others who are doing it with broken hearts, but doing it out of faith...and doing it anyway.

My Response to an Anonymous Letter

So I got an anonymous typed letter of correction about how my last blog article was posted to intentionally hurt others.  Part of me wants to let it go, but there is another part of me that wants to set the record straight.  I did not point out imperfections in my former church to hurt others.  It was just the opposite in fact.  I am concerned that people are not receiving the instruction they need to live more fully developed Christian lives.  I was naive to think others would see it that way, but it wasn't done in malice.  Too many of the modern day churches have gotten hung up on how many people they can pull in on a Sunday and how many they can baptize in a year and they use business model terms to discuss how they are going to make those two goals happen.  I said that the church has lost focus of the mission of discipleship and is bringing too many things of the world in to try and accomplish their goals.  We are supposed to be giving people what they need to live a full life in Christ and presenting mediocrity and not preaching all of the elements of the Christian life to be seeker friendly is not cutting it.  Allowing people to live in open sin and then still serve in the church is wrong.  The Bible plainly says that, but that doesn't sell well in the modern day church so we don't do anything about it.  I never said that nothing good goes on in these churches.  Winning people to Christ is good, but are we winning all of them to Christ or are we kicking up an emotional frenzy and building a brand that they identify with more than they identify with the Savior?  There are small groups that go in depth and I was in a great small group.  In fact, that was the only thing that fed me anything while I was there.  I loved my small group and the people who were in it, but I see too many people placing their identity in their church and not in Christ and that concerns me.  In this anonymous letter, I received a flyer that said "How ____ (church name) changed my life." The title of that article just reaffirms everything I said in my blog article.  Shouldn't it be "How God changed my life"?  The other thing that I also wanted to point out is the fact that many people have spoken to me about the problems I outlined in my blog article, but no one wants to actually voice it out loud and say that it is unacceptable.  They would rather just keep the peace and not say this is wrong.  The letter also quoted James about not speaking evil against a brother or judging them.  That is out of context.  We are not to judge the people of the world, but we are given clear directions in Matthew 18 to point out sin in the church.  We are to call it out and say what it is. Many people are willing to "murmur" about what is wrong, and I have heard lots of murmuring, but no one is willing to call it what it is.  The church is never going to move forward if we don't address the issues.  The church belongs to God.  It doesn't belong to any dynamic ministry team or any others who would claim ownership of it.  When you set up a situation with no accountability, abuses will happen.  That is the reason that Paul outlined the need for elders to be an active part of the body. 1Timothy 5:17 says, "The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching." When even the elders are "murmuring" about the problems, but are unwilling to actually expose the problems, then nothing changes.  I will say that I am very sorry that my words hurt people, but I think we have gotten way too politically correct about things and lost sight of our role.  Read Corinthians and some of the other letters to the churches.  The model that Paul left us was to call out the problems with boldness and try to be the spark that makes the difference. We tried to be the spark from the inside and had no luck.  It is time that we in the Christian world stop playing church and choose to make it what God designed.  I want to follow Christ and attempt to obey all of His teachings.  I will fall short, but I am going to keep trying.